RAISING MONSTERS IN OUR HOMES (Part 2)

He narrated that because I refused to grant his request about making out with him, he added a sleeping pill in the juice he bought for me on that night and when he noticed that I had slept off, he had his way and also noticed it was my first time but after everything, he cleaned me up and made everywhere look as though nothing happened and when I became pregnant, he had to lie against me about bringing in men so that no one would suspect him.

At this point, I was already soaked in tears and everyone around was begging on his behalf.

He also confessed how hard life had been to him and he believed this was all because of his actions towards me.

He explained that he got married but had no child after several years and that his wife decided to leave the marriage because she discovered that it was his fault. Everyone is pleading that I should forgive him as he is ready to do the necessary things as tradition demands and get me as his wife. He has messed up my life but I also have his children.

I brought the children to him and I am staying at my friend’s house but I have failed to forgive him, not to talk about marrying the man who has derailed my educational ambitions,” Martha concluded while trying hard to fight back tears.

I did not know what to tell Martha. I was not a counsellor. Of course I studied the basics of psychology during my journalism training but clearly, this was not my turf and even if her friend, whom I don’t know up to now, told her to confide in me, I was not the best person to advise her.

I gathered enough courage to advise Martha to first of all forgive herself, realising that it was not her fault that she was drugged and raped. I saw a lot of anger in her stemming from her failure to go to university or college after getting pregnant and I pleaded with her to let bygones be bygones. I also thanked her for bringing the boys to their father’s house and not to detach them from him on account of what transpired.

I further advised her to forgive the man and his entire family because that was key going forward. The fact that there were innocent children involved simply meant that there was a family to deal with but I left the choice of whether to marry the man or not, to herself because she knew him better.

I told her that marrying someone because there are children involved was one of the many reasons why some people have retired to their early graves because they forced matters on account of a pregnancy or children, yet they were not compatible. I concluded by telling her that a pregnancy or children have never been the pulpit for preaching about marriage but that if she felt that something would work with this man, it was up to her to make that decision.

You may laugh at me over this advice but I was just a boy also. Even if someone recommended her to seek advice from me, I only did that because of the respect her friend had for me and my profession. Otherwise, in this instance, I was a square peg in a round hole. I was happy because after speaking to her, she seemed relieved and two weeks later, she called me saying she had gone back to Petauke and was yet to make a decision whether to marry this man or not.

Since then, I have never heard from her but I drew a lot of valuable lessons from this. Today, society is bleeding because of badly brought up boys who have graduated into men and have further gone to cause havoc on our women. I dare say, despite loud voices speaking for women world over, most of them are still slaves at the hands of men because some still view them as objects in their hands and this problem starts from home.

A child who rebels in the home is not only a headache to the parents but the entire community because tomorrow, that child will step out of that home, get into society, and become a communal disgrace and the effects will not only affect his family but the entire community.

Some of the criminals we read in newspapers and see on TV would have turned out to be better people had their families been magnanimous enough to raise them in the manner they should have been raised. I know this is a controversy topic especially when it comes to differentiating between meting discipline and child abuse but I am still old school and I believe most of the dissidents we have in society today are born of parents and guardians who have spared the rod and spoiled the children.

It is a big shame today that there are certain homes where you cannot sit anywhere or you risk being pushed away by a toddler in the house for sitting on his or her seat. This nonsense of possessiveness starts from there. We have homes where children can insult you and the moment you point a finger at them, their parents descend on you like they are demon possessed.

There is a very thin line between loving and spoiling a child. Some parents today get beaten by their own children and the reason is simple. At the time they should have picked the rod and disciplined the child, they failed to do so. In most cases, I do not sympathise with such because they failed to do that which was right at the time they could have corrected their children in love.

Have we ever wondered why the children we raise in our own homes who are not our children grow up to become better people than our own children? It is because in most cases, our children are raised like eggs where while their age mates are washing plates in the kitchen, they will be watching cartoons.

While our own children go to private schools, those we keep go to Government schools; while our children sleep early, those we keep should sweep the kitchen before they go to bed yet all of them need to wake up in the morning and go to school, at the same time.

It is because of these disparities that our own children grow up as spoiled brats while those we keep grow up as responsible individuals and in most cases, these are the people who make it in life because they know that after supper, plates must be washed and the kitchen must be swept while all our children know is fighting for TV remotes and food and when they grow up, they end up as foolish-form-fives-fighting-for-free-food. They have no sense of responsibility, no respect for anyone, and can say anything to anyone and everyone all because as parents, you tolerated their nonsense when they were still young.

There are some of our relatives who have sworn never to visit our homes because when they come to our homes, especially if they are from the village, they are treated as less human beings by our own children. In most cases, this behaviour comes from us parents. Children are very observant. If you treat someone as a no-body, they will do the same because they learnt it from you. If you use sarcastic language on some people, they will follow suit.

If there is a task which is difficult in this era, it is parenting and one of the reasons is that we have plenty of external influences that affect our children but the major reason is that parents are failing to instil discipline in their children in the name of love. There is no way as a parent you expect your child to behave well at school yet you allow the same to use insulting language.

 We have heard of incidents where teachers have been beaten by pupils in schools. The problem is not the school. The problem is you as a parent. Sometimes as parents, we have even made very poor decisions of taking our uncontrollable children to boarding schools in a bid to make them reasonable and you expect to succeed?

If your own child does not listen to you, who is a teacher that he or she will listen to? Where were you all these years that you failed to raise your child in a proper manner that today, you must be making last-minute hitches to try and salvage the situation which deteriorated right under your nose and you did nothing?

When you tell your children that they can only suffer when you die, for sure they will suffer. As a matter of fact, if you are still using this type of language, you are simply preparing for the suffering of your children once you die. Not all the children we see on the streets begging come from broken homes. Some of these boys and girls came from well-to-do families where they lacked nothing and in the end got spoiled and when their parents died, they could not fit in any of the relatives’ homes because they were raised like eggs by their parents.

There are a variety of reasons why parents may be failing to raise their children effectively. Some possible reasons. Some parents may not have access to resources or information on effective parenting techniques, leading to them struggling to raise their children in a healthy and supportive environment.

Parents who are dealing with high levels of stress, anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues may struggle to effectively parent their children. Parents who do not have a strong support system or access to resources such as childcare, parenting classes, or counselling may find it difficult to navigate the challenges of raising children.

Cultural beliefs, societal expectations, and external pressures can all impact a parent’s ability to effectively raise their children. Parents who are dealing with their own personal challenges, such as substance abuse, financial difficulties, or relationship problems, may find it difficult to prioritize their children’s needs.

It is important to recognize that parenting is a complex and challenging task, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to why parents may be struggling. There are many strategies that parents can use to effectively raise their children. Setting clear expectations for behaviour and consistently enforcing rules can help children understand what is expected of them and promote positive behaviour.

Encouraging open communication with children and listening to their thoughts and feelings can help build trust and strengthen the parent-child relationship. Further, showing children love, affection, and support can help them feel secure and valued, and promote healthy emotional development. Parents can serve as role models for their children by demonstrating positive behaviours, values, and attitudes in their own actions.

Giving children opportunities to make choices, solve problems, and take on responsibilities can help them develop important life skills and build confidence. Using positive discipline techniques, such as praise, rewards, and logical consequences, can help children learn from their mistakes and make Parents should not be afraid to ask for help when needed, whether it be from family, friends, or professionals such as therapists or counsellors.

Also, no parent should spare the rod and spoil; their children if truly they love them. Your child is not an egg and using a rod to correct them when everything else does not seem to work correctly is not a problem. We should stop hiding in the name of child abuse and fail to correct our children because what starts as a problem at home, will one day blossom into a national problem. No one will discipline your child if you fail to do so.

For you mothers, ask yourselves; are you satisfied with the way you are raising your sons? Would you be happy to marry someone like your son? Fathers, are your daughters growing into respectable women like your wife is to you and society? If the answers you get to these questions are negative? It is time to try something else because you have failed as a parent.