THE FAMILY DISINTEGRATION HULLABALOO

One day, my friends and I had a nerve-wrecking discussion on why family unity has continued to decline over the years in Zambia despite the fact that our forefathers generally lived in peace not only within the family lineage, but with their neighbours and the entire community.

A number of reasons were brought to the fore but among those that made sense to me was the suggestion made by my late friend Glen Musonda.

“All of you are just talking nonsense. Family disintegration has nothing to do with education or lack of it. As a matter of fact, family problems cannot even be attributed to wealth. Do you know that there are people who are very educated and have a lot of wealth but have nothing to do with their extended families? Do you know that there are people who are less educated and with little wealth but still see it fit to build unity within the extended family?” Glen asked.

We did not understand what he was talking about because as much as he put up a strong objection to what we were asserting was the reason family unity is crumbling, he never told us anything relatable to the discussion and so when we pressed him to tell us exactly why family members in some cases end up sworn enemies, Glen responded;

“It is because the people who united us died. The current generation is puffed up with pride. They cannot think beyond their siblings. Families nowadays have become a platform for competition between those who have and those who do not have. This is why I am working hard for my children so that they do not become laughing stocks when I am no more because no one will look after them if I leave them in poverty,” he concluded.

Somehow, Glen was right. I looked at my own background and realised that there was an aorta of truth in what my friend was talking about. Years back, people could have up to 10 children with very little resources but this did not prevent them from providing for their extended families. As a matter of fact, in my own father’s house, there were many members of the extended family including our grannies, cousins, and distant relations. My father even opened doors to strangers who we incorporated as family members.

For some of us, the values of co-existence were inculcated in us at a very tender age where dad’s own children, relatives and aliens alike, were treated equally and as a result, there was no sense of entitlement. Anything that belonged to the family belonged to everyone regardless of who they were and so, Glen’s argument made a lot of sense to me based on my experience.

Family disintegration is a complex issue that can have a variety of causes. While every family is unique and may face different challenges, there are some common factors that can contribute to the breakdown of family relationships.

One of the most common causes of family disintegration is a lack of effective communication. When family members are unable to communicate openly and honestly with each other, misunderstandings and conflicts can arise, leading to resentment and distance between family members.

In Zambia today, most families only come together during wedding ceremonies or funerals. Even then, there are some family members who cannot attend these functions once they hear that other family members with which they do not have a good relationship would also be in attendance. There are family members up to now who believe their money can solve everything. To them, if they can send money for the coffin and food, that is what is important even if they do not attend in person. Others go to an extent of contributing more so that their absence at the funeral or wedding ceremony cannot be questioned.

What they do not understand is that while money is important because it helps solve a number of challenges, family unity and cohesion cannot be traded with money. Having interaction with family members is more important than contributing money for functions which one does not attend. Unfortunately, this is the behaviour that some people have passed on to their children, making them detached from their extended families and as a result, even their own children grow up thinking life revolves around their parents and siblings while the rest of the family adds very little value to their lives.

To complicate the situation even further, most families no longer see the need for visitations. In other countries, holidays are for family binding. This is the time those in the city visit their villages and spend time with the larger extended family members, it is time for bonding. It is time to revive old memories. It is time to clean the graves of their ancestors and start their lives afresh. This leaves lasting memories even in their children such that every holiday, they look forward to meeting their extended families.

The first time I took my boys to the village and told them to go and herd cattle with the rest of the children, they looked jittery because for them, it was not something they were accustomed to and so, it looked like I was just bothering them. To date, they always look forward to going to the village and playing with the animals but this is something they would never have imagined if they did not have that experience.

When it comes to families from the city going to the village, there are a lot of unfounded beliefs. To some families, children cannot go to the village because they will be bewitched. Parents would rather go to the village and leave their children behind as if those practicing witchcraft only target children. This mentality has also resulted in people who live in cities not visiting each other. As a result, this has become a concoction of problems where those at the village must not be visited because they practice witchcraft while those who live within cities can also not be visited because they are pompous or are bad people. In the end, the family to come people has become a platform for showing off or brewing unnecessary hatred among members.  This is one of the reasons which has led to a weakened modern day family.

Financial problems can put a significant strain on a family, leading to tension and conflict. When families are struggling to make ends meet, it can create a sense of insecurity and instability that can impact relationships within the family. Added to this is substance abuse. Substance abuse, whether it be alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviours, can have a devastating impact on families.

Addiction can lead to erratic behaviour, emotional instability, and a breakdown of trust within the family unit and in the long-run, this can also lead to domestic violence which is another serious issue that can lead to the breakdown of family relationships. When one family member is being abused, it can create a toxic and unsafe environment for everyone in the family.

The other issue which has led to the family disintegrating is divorce or separation. This can have a profound impact on family dynamics, leading to feelings of loss, anger, and confusion. The process of divorce can be emotionally draining for all family members involved, and can result in a breakdown of communication and trust.

On the other hand, mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and other disorders can affect the entire family. When a family member is struggling with mental health issues, it can create tension and conflict within the family, as well as feelings of guilt and helplessness.

Differences in cultural or generational values and beliefs can create tension within a family. When family members have conflicting ideas about how to live their lives or raise their children, it can lead to disagreements and misunderstandings that can contribute to family disintegration.

Overall, family disintegration is a complex issue that can be caused by a variety of factors. It is important for families to address these issues early on and seek help when needed in order to maintain healthy and strong relationships. Communication, understanding, and support are key in overcoming the challenges that can lead to family disintegration.

Like my friend Glen observed, those who held the family together were not different from anyone of us still alive. The same challenges we are facing today are the same challenges they faced but the difference is that most families today are driven by the ego of self-importance; the retrogressive ‘some of us’ mentality of thinking that if we do not do it, then, no one else can do it.

The difference is that those who held the family together put their egos aside and realised that the family was bigger than any individual and because they showed their selflessness towards the family, even the most truant members were put in the line. Unfortunately, in any family, if every member exposes arrogance and self-importance, where family challenges or decisions are confronted using monumental arrogance, you know, that ‘they know me’ feeling, then the family is doomed for life.

Wrong behaviour is easier to assimilate than good behaviour. So, if you are a parent and when it comes to the family, your attitude is to ever create problems, your children will religiously follow this bad behaviour and will have no regard for anyone in the family, you or old.

Bad behaviour is very progressive and it takes a change of mind-set to realise that one is wrong. It is more likely that an arrogant family would pass the same behaviour to the children and then this becomes a generational problem that will eat the family long after such a parent is gone.

In our families today, there are people who can never empower extended family members even when they have the means to do so because they want to be the only ones the family can rely on. They feel good that when there is a funeral in the family, burial cannot take place before they come because they are the only ones with money to use for funeral expenses. For such people, anyone who tries to be independent is seen as a competitor and so, they will try their level best to try and bring down such a person because they are content with the status quo of them being the only ones to go to when there is a problem in the family.

Today, most of the street children we see have relatives who could take care of them but because their parents regarded none of them, it was difficult for these children to start a new life with people they never knew and so, some of them opted to go on the streets to make ends meet.

Maintaining strong and healthy family relationships requires effort and commitment from all members. Open and honest communication is essential for building and maintaining strong family relationships. It is important to encourage family members to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns in a respectful manner.

Regular family meetings or check-ins can provide a space for everyone to share and listen to each other. Spending quality time together as a family is crucial for building bonds and creating lasting memories. It is important to make an effort to engage in activities that everyone enjoys, such as family dinners, game nights, or outdoor outings. These shared experiences can strengthen the family unit and create a sense of togetherness.

It is also important to show support and empathy towards each other during challenging times. Family members must be there for other family members when they need help or a listening ear. Offering understanding and compassion can foster trust and strengthen relationships within the family.

There is also a need to establish clear boundaries within the family and respect each other’s individuality and personal space. It is extremely important to encourage open discussions about expectations and responsibilities, and work together to find common ground on important issues.

Being a family does not mean that you will never have differences. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it’s important to address and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. Family members must communicate openly, listen actively, and work towards finding solutions that benefit everyone involved.

Hard as it may be for some members of the family, there must be time to celebrate achievements and milestones. Family members must acknowledge and celebrate each other’s achievements, big or small. Recognizing and appreciating the accomplishments of family members can strengthen bonds and create a positive and supportive family environment.

If your family is facing challenges that seem insurmountable, members should not hesitate to seek help from a professional counsellor or therapist. Family therapy can provide valuable insights and tools for addressing issues and improving communication within the family.

By prioritizing communication, support, respect, and empathy, families can work together to overcome challenges and remain united. Building strong family relationships takes time and effort, but the rewards of a close-knit and supportive family unit are well worth it.